i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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