i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
