He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
