I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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