i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he was CRYING into my vagina
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
