I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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