I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
