summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
thus making me awesome and them whores
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
