I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
