He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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