Just fell off a train. Bad.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We need to rekindle our bromance
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
