Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
