He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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