Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
