i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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