I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
