i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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