Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
