I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
