My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
