She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
