hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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