one word: firstdatebathroomanal
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
