someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
