M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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