i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
