i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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