I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
