Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
