You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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