i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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