My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
