I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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