when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
