I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Text me some of your sweat
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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