if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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