Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
