is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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