Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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