My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
