How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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