Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
