He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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