does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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