google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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