chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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