my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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