Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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