It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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