I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the day after is always just damage control
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can you bring me the toilet please
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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