He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
