If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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